Friday, December 4, 2009

Band Geek Porn

Every morning I awake on my own, no alarm clock needed. My internal clock is such that I awake at the same time day after day. This is true even when I sleep in. I awake, then consciously decide to go back to sleep. Today I was awoken not by my internal mechanisms, but buy a steady thumping noise.

As it turns out, there is some high school marching band competition going on across the street, and some of the band geeks thought that 6:20 a.m. was a good time to make sure their drums were, I don't know, in tune. Do drums get out of tune? The point is that anyone practicing the drums at 6:20 a.m. should try hammering out their rhythms on their own genitals. It will likely be the most action the band geek will ever see.

Whomever was in charge quickly quieted the drummers, as he probably realized the possibility of being lynched for such behavior at 6:20 a.m. was extremely high. 6:20 a.m. may not be early for some of you, but it is 40 minutes before I get up. For reference, subtract 40 minutes from when your alarm goes off, then add drumming and multiply by band fag. The answer is A= the square root of you being pissed off. There, who says math is pointless, besides everybody.

As I write this now the air is filled with a mix of music and frustrated sexual inadequacy. This post is for the band fags. Fap away band fags:

This is not one of the drummers that awoke me, this is what those drummers secretly dream about.

I do not know what this image is titled, but I call it Mario Lopez and his penis . . . and his saxophone . . . and his penis.

This photo is proof that there can be no argument over whether the saxophone is gay. Let me be clear, the saxophone is totally gay.


The above images are from a blog called Wayne's Nude Musicians, except for the Kenny G pic which is from his 1983 album G Force.

Most of Wayne's pics, but not all, are of guys. Wayne is gay. There is nothing wrong with Wayne or anyone else being gay, but it does explain why Wayne's blog has so much cock.

Not all band geek porn is homosexual in theme:

I hope for his sake that there's a swallow valve.

The picture claims to be from but that's not where I found it.

Then, of course, there is the pr0n favorite of geeks everywhere, hentai. Hentai is a Japanese word that means, roughly, pervert. It is used in the U.S. as a classification of illustrated or animated porn of typically Japanese origin. There, who said you never learned anything on this blog? Not me, I would never say that. Here's some band geek hentai:

Admit it, the only question in your mind right now is whether that's a tuba or a sousaphone.

I'm not sure who the author of that monstrosity of a drawing is, and if you think that image is bad, be glad I didn't post the "Music in A Minor" drawing. Think about it for a while. When you get it, you'll want to vomit.

Anyway, that's enough of band geek porn. Besides, we all know the hot chicks are in orchestra:

If only one of them had a lute! I could totally get off then!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Leggo My Eggo...Or Just Keep Pulling On It.

So, strolling around the internet today I found that the world is suffering from an Eggo famine (thanks to the Bloggess). I guess Eggo shortage would be a more proper (properer?)-we'll just say more rightlikesounding-term, because as far as I know waffles are not grown on trees. At least not yet. The point is that our waffle supply is dangerously low. So low, that there are actual national news stories about it. Apparently some floods and equipment problems in Atlanta have caused Kellogg's to come up short on Eggo waffles, and Kellogg's will be rationing them to grocery stores until mid-2010.

"What does this have to do with a porn blog?" many of you might ask. Well . . . go ahead . . . ask the question . . . I'll wait.

Have you asked it? I guess an unpublished blog is not the place to have a discussion with people.

The point is, I know how easy it is to find pr0n regarding all sorts of childhood memories like Scooby Doo, or Sonic the Hedgehog, but what about Eggo waffles? Every child remembers drowning Eggos in syrup . . . unless they had diabetes. Then they just wished that they had Eggos drowned in syrup instead of a broken pancreas. The point being, everyone has fond memories of Eggos, unless you're a monster of some sort, like a communist, or a republican. I forget which one we're supposed to hate nowadays. Whatever, Eggos are great and wholesome. This might be a challenge.

I was wrong, it took me less than 60 seconds to find this:

It's a cartoon from Morning Squirtz called Breakfast in Bed. This makes me sad . . . and hungry . . . and now a little disgusted.

If that isn't hardcore enough for you there is also this:

It's a cap of a Weebl's Stuff flash animation Waffles, in which two waffles do it doggy style. Because yeah, that's a good idea.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Actual Obama Porn

For my first post I was going to do something related to the holidays, like turkey porn, or cooking thanksgiving dinner porn, but then I came across Obama Unicorn porn. I shit you not. Here are some examples:

Obama gets an oily back rub from what is apparently an americorn.

Obama and his americorn rastle a bar (it's wrestle a bear said in the style of people who would like this painting).

Obama and his americorn take out what is apparently Sarah Palin's retarded moose. I don't know if this is a commentary on Trig Palin, also Sarah might have a penis.

Obama stares at the ginormous crack of Rush Limbaugh, who is apparently a zeppelin of some sort.

These paintings are the work of artist Dan Lacey, and are extremely strange. More of Lacey's work can be found here and often involve pancakes. Some would argue that this is artistic social commentary, and not porn. I direct those people to the first image. I also direct them to the fact that the Teletubbies were not intended as porn, but then this happened.

I subscribe to the Justice Stewart definition of porn in that I know it when I see it. While I am relatively sure that Lacey did not intend porn, that does not mean he did not create porn. Good job, Dan.